Turtles.

At this time of year, the Dogmatist has to face his greatest fear. Turtles. Tortoises. Anyway you slice it, I keep clear.

The dogmatist is forced to face this fear because grandmother Dogma has a tortoise in her back yard. Most people don't worry about them because they are slow vegetarians. However, they have strong jaws and will bite through your Achilles tendon in a heartbeat.

In my ever vigilant campaign against this godless shelled killing machine (I think 3 adjectives will be plenty) I have taken the time to study the backyard menace mentioned above.

Myrtle the Turtle (clever, huh) can, without great effort, cover about 20 feet of ground in a minute. Doesn't sound like much does it?

The problem is, if you do the math as I have done, you will know that this cousin of the stuffed assassin, Kermit, could travel 1200 feet in one hour. That is 28,800 feet per day or some sixty miles by the time Christmas morning arrives.

Come on, Dogmatist. That is highly unlikely considering this turtle has lived the last 15 years within a radius of 200 feet.

This is true. However, since Myrtle is a single-minded harbinger of death, I believe he/she/it may be plotting to kill me.

This is how it will happen.

I live only 45 miles from Grandma's house. This gives Myrtle ample time to reach my abode. Upon her arrival she will likely wait in the bushes outside my front door. When I turn to lock the door to head toward Grandma's house Myrtle will lash out with the fury of a lifetime of oppression and snap my Achilles tendon. At that point I will be rendered immobile. If help does not show up quickly Myrtle will set about peppering my body with wounds. I may bleed out.

While I appreciate that Jesus came to Earth on Christmas to ultimately bleed and die for me, I have no intention of following suit.

So, the next time that you see a turtle or tortoise remember that it is thinking only of your painful demise.

Merry Christmas!


*Editor's Note: The PETA protected hate machine pictured above is not 'Myrtle' but another of her hedonistic, genocidal, war monger cousins, himself bent on the destruction of North American Christmas revelers.

Picture taken from: Turtle Times If you are not a friend, you are a foe.