Turtles.

At this time of year, the Dogmatist has to face his greatest fear. Turtles. Tortoises. Anyway you slice it, I keep clear.

The dogmatist is forced to face this fear because grandmother Dogma has a tortoise in her back yard. Most people don't worry about them because they are slow vegetarians. However, they have strong jaws and will bite through your Achilles tendon in a heartbeat.

In my ever vigilant campaign against this godless shelled killing machine (I think 3 adjectives will be plenty) I have taken the time to study the backyard menace mentioned above.

Myrtle the Turtle (clever, huh) can, without great effort, cover about 20 feet of ground in a minute. Doesn't sound like much does it?

The problem is, if you do the math as I have done, you will know that this cousin of the stuffed assassin, Kermit, could travel 1200 feet in one hour. That is 28,800 feet per day or some sixty miles by the time Christmas morning arrives.

Come on, Dogmatist. That is highly unlikely considering this turtle has lived the last 15 years within a radius of 200 feet.

This is true. However, since Myrtle is a single-minded harbinger of death, I believe he/she/it may be plotting to kill me.

This is how it will happen.

I live only 45 miles from Grandma's house. This gives Myrtle ample time to reach my abode. Upon her arrival she will likely wait in the bushes outside my front door. When I turn to lock the door to head toward Grandma's house Myrtle will lash out with the fury of a lifetime of oppression and snap my Achilles tendon. At that point I will be rendered immobile. If help does not show up quickly Myrtle will set about peppering my body with wounds. I may bleed out.

While I appreciate that Jesus came to Earth on Christmas to ultimately bleed and die for me, I have no intention of following suit.

So, the next time that you see a turtle or tortoise remember that it is thinking only of your painful demise.

Merry Christmas!


*Editor's Note: The PETA protected hate machine pictured above is not 'Myrtle' but another of her hedonistic, genocidal, war monger cousins, himself bent on the destruction of North American Christmas revelers.

Picture taken from: Turtle Times If you are not a friend, you are a foe.

Holiday Beer.

With the holidays upon us I am reminded of how uncomfortable holiday greetings can be. Merry Christmas? Happy Hanukkah? Good Ramadan? Whatevery Kwanzaa?

Given my deep and thorough theological training, I thought I might clear up the differences in these religions for you.

You see, monotheistic religion is like American beer.

Christianity is your standard American lager. We will call it brand 'X' (in keeping with the parlance of the earliest Christian church).

If Christianity is X, then Judaism is X Lite - All of the monotheism, none of the Jesus.

Islam is then like X Dark - the Jesus is there, but the Jesus flavor is tempered by a bunch of other stuff I don't fully understand. (I understand that not understanding makes me a hate monger.)

Atheism is the O'Doul's of religion. It tastes like crap and doesn't make you feel any better about life.

Lastly, Kwanzaa is New Coke. I mean, come on. It was invented in the 80's right?


*Editor's Note: I understand that this entry makes me "part of the problem" but when I came up with that "All of the monotheism, none of the Jesus" line I had to write an entry to frame it.


Picture taken from: Professional Beer Drinkers Association

A Thought.

From George Carlin:
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.


Picture taken from http://redneckredstate.wordpress.com/.